I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Still dying that you shit outside
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
