mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
