I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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