Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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