In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
