every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
