My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This house was built for laser tag.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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