Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
