If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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