you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
