so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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