Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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