my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
