He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
