SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
