end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
