I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
