she woke up with a sticky ear
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
