You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
