I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
