kristin has been a bad kristin
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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