One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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