There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
