Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
