Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
