R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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