You're so nebulous sometimes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
