Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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