my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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