remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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