my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we're making bets on your personal life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
