Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
