She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
