I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
