I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We got so high we made milksteak
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
