I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
