Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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