Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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