I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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