He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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