if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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