You work out of a Hotel?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
