There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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