sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
