i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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