I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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