I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
