im six kinds of drunk right now
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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