I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
