i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize