Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
