we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
