i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
