i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
