foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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