i think my tv is drunk
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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