i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we should paint friendship bongs
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
