do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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