On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
