Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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