he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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