I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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