I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
