you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
