I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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