You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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