i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
