Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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